Well, it's been a while.

Scripture: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26

Quote: "Train your mind to see the good in everything"

Song: 93 Million Miles- Jason Mraz

     I've sat and pondered how to start my blog again for the last few weeks. As I expected, chaos has become the normal around our household: school, moving, girls readjusting, finding a new job, new love, and so forth. Sitting in this busy, noisy, and vibrant coffee shop, I've realized my life is veering in a direction I both fully desired and never expected; moving forward without any documentation. Consequently, I feel the need to Shout it from the rooftops and continue on with my 365 day journey. 

    In a few short weeks, I will begin student teaching. Although I am both nervous and excited, I find myself thinking about how fortunate I have been in order to accomplish this lifelong goal. I have had the support system any person desires; understanding, reliable, encouraging, and entirely confident in my ability to succeed. In order to make it to classes on time and complete homework, my girls have had to ride the back burner for all too long. Not only are they having to sacrifice much needed "mommy" time, but my family and friends have been neglected as well. Fortunately, their level of understanding allows me to push though the struggles and moments of weakness. I've had to beg, borrow, and plead with many friends and family to watch the girls while I attend school, functions, work, and workshops. Not only have they helped me in many a bind, they've provided the girls with love and affection beyond words. Additionally, I've been able to remain on the Dean's List and am on track to graduate with Honors. For this, I am forever grateful and indebted to those who've stood beside me along the way. 

   Along with school, my life has changed in so many different ways, on so many different levels--the girls and I have found a new place to call home in the heights, I am branching out on my business, and I've fallen in love. I have both hoped and prayed (more prayers than imaginable) for a new start; a redo for the girls and I. We are enjoying making this new place our home and spending much needed time with family and friends here in Billings. I am also very excited to be making changes to my photography business as of January 1st, 2015, checking another box off of my "to-do" list. Surprisingly, the biggest change has come in the last few months. I remember it all starting something like this.....

      Chae:  "Amber, what exactly is it you are looking for in someone? I mean, what kind of man do you want?
      Me: "Honestly? I want a good man. A man with dreams, and goals, and makes me laugh. One with strong hands that show how hard he works. Someone who makes me laugh and hopefully (fingers crossed) thinks I'm funny. Someone who isn't perfect, but is perfect for me. Preferably wears boots and enjoys what he does (I suppose I can't have everything I want)." 

    Within the next 2 hours, this man I described to Chae (Minus the boots (cowboy boots anyways, work boots don't count)), stumbles into my life. Not only was this the Right place, Right time situation, but it was also a time in my life where I was content: content with my decisions, my fails, my successes, my girls, my job, my education. I was happy with who I was and where I was going. No longer was I looking for someone anymore, I was looking forward to the path my girls and I were on. However, the moment I met this man, life has changed. I see a man before me who not only works hard and enjoys what he does, but who has dreams, and goals, and an incredible sense of humor. Someone who supports my goals and dreams as well as the dreams I have for my girls. Needless to say, he's become an incredible bonus to the already perfect life I had. 

    I decided to share this story and blog today because, all too often, people ask how we are doing, what's new, and how is life treating us. Well, to say the least, life is good. We have a new start to a beautiful beginning and the girls and I are ready to embrace whatever comes our way. I look forward to sharing our adventures and blogging along the way. 

Well, here's to getting back on the Blog train. Bare with me still, still in therapy for my wrist and working on healing for good!


Scripture: 

1 Thessalonians 5:12-24

New International Version (NIV)

Final Instructions

12 Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. 13 Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. 14 And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.15 Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

Quote:



"God forgive me, I have not been myself"

Song:

Don Henley "Heart of the Matter"

Obviously, today is all about forgiveness. I haven't been able to blog for some time now and I have been given the time to soul search. I have come to the conclusion that forgiving people is the easy part, asking for forgiveness ... not so much. I have taken a personal inventory of my past, my present, my gains, my losses, gifts, pains, lessons, and etc. I've had a very heavy heart the past two weeks. I've had flashbacks from years ago, some of the most painful times, and visions of people I've hurt.

I started looking back on the last 2 years. I started to think of all the hurtful things I have said and done. All the people I let down. The biggest person.... Bryan. I had to take a painful stroll down memory lane in order to see all the times I let him down. All the times I let myself down. I could still feel the pain and shattered promises. All I could feel was sadness. I sent up a prayer of forgiveness. From him. From family. From my children. I remember sitting at the coffee shop numb to the core. Then, in the midst of feeling defeated, I heard what I was needing. My prayer was for everyone else to forgive me, however, that's not where forgiveness needs to start. God was reminding me that He had already forgiven me, forgiveness from others would come in time, and the most important forgiveness would come from within. I needed to forgive myself. I needed to love myself first.

I spent the next few days writing, reading, praying, and of course crying. Trying to start from the beginning and mend the brokenness along the way. I know forgiveness is so hard sometimes. It's hard to forgive those who have hurt you along the way, however, I was ready for that. I wasn't ready to forgive myself. After all, I felt as though I failed at everything; my marriage, my kids, my husband and family, and myself. Where do I start over?

Well yet again, this is me starting over. (Again) Starting with me. I've spent hours thinking of how I can move passed the pain and regret and I believe God has his plan for me. His guidance will help me through. So here's to moving on and starting over, from the beginning. Cheers to a beautiful new beginning. 

Day Nine:

Scripture: 
   Commit to the Lord whatever you do and he will establish your plans.
                     Proverbs 16:3

Quotes: 
    Lace up your shoes, it's going to be a journey, but the things you learn about yourself along the way are worth it.


Song: 
      Every Storm Runs Out of Rain by Gary Allan




Bare with me ..... My wrist is pretty inflamed right now thanks to extreme tendonitis! Hence the day off yesterday.

  Today has been a very long day. I could feel my patience warring thin all day. Everything seemed to irritate me. I hate days like these. I am usually a very balanced person, I can take on the unexpected, handle the stress, and cope with frustrating things. Today was more of a struggle.

   I found myself asking God for patience all day. I remember looking back on the past couple of years and this seems to be a reoccurring prayer. I believe I have been receiving the answers and solutions to my request all along. God doesn't give us the things we can't handle. I also don't believe He hands us things on a silver platter. When we ask God for something, he usually provides us with the solution by teaching us how to use the tools we are given. Everytime I ask God for patience, EVERYTHING seems to push me to the breaking point. This is where He is teaching me. I need to learn to be patient and possibly the reason for my impatience is me. Did I get enough sleep? Did I eat today? (Hangry feeling). Am I stressed about something else?

   The tools God provides me are the ability to talk myself through things and rely on His grace when things are too much. I believe in a God that allows me to fall apart in order to come back to His stable foundation. Furthermore, I believe God has given me the ability to take on many things all at once and perhaps my patience is tested when I push beyond what I am needing to focus on.

  I leave you with this thought. Remember that when we pray, it's ok to ask for things, it's ok to be confused and frustrated, and it's ok to angry at the days events. With all of our needs, we must not forget to be thankful for the tools God has given us already and the gifts he has blessed us with.

Day Eight:

Scripture:
  Be still and know that I am God
                          ~Psalm 46:10

Quote:
   Until we can manage our time, we can manage nothing else

Song:
    Hangin' Around :) Counting Crows



   Ah, man! Today was exhausting. Up very early, getting ready, bags packed, breakfast, girls ready, Ally here, Maddie there, and of course I'm late. First day of the last semester of classes for me and I've already done more work than most other students. I remember last year having the same hectic routine. Have to be here, have to be there, Ally needs this, school needs this, Maddie is sick...etc. I could barely get us out the door in one piece! Now we are functioning (most days) on a very productive level. I look back on some of the hardest times and I remember seeing myself stretched too thin. I have always been an on the go person and always had to have excitement. It wasn't until around August I started seeing that I was taking on too much. The girls were always fussy, tired, sassy, and sleeping terribly. I too was starting to become more vulnerable to bad moods and no sleep. The business was just too much.

  In the past year, I have really learned how to manage and balance my time. I still have days where I have too much going on but who doesn't? (Single mother of two, school, photography, work, family, bills....)
I started spending A LOT more time at home. I started making sure we ate dinner as family. Ally and I would both do homework once Maddie was settling down or playing on her own in the family room or kitchen. I started telling people no more often. This was a huge challenge for me! I was turning away clients because I just didn't have time to invest the work they deserved. I started telling friends "No thank you" when we would get invited to events. Although all of this was really rough in the beginning, I am so thankful I took this opportunity to tell me and the girls "Yes" and everyone else "No."

   I think everyone needs to take a look at their priorities and their time management. If you or your children are too exhausted by the end of the day, maybe it's time to start telling the people in your lives "No" as well. I can honestly say I have loved all the extra time I get with the girls and all the time at home I have had in the last year.

Day Seven:

Scripture:
Ezekiel 1:28
Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.

Quote:
Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms.


Song:
"Somewhere over the Rainbow"
     ~In Loving memory of Sweet Brooklyn Mumm as well~



    I used to wish and pray that I would be able to forget every memory of my marriage. I used to hate seeing pictures, hearing songs, and smelling certain scents (still do sometimes). The very smell of his cologne on any stranger would bring tears to my eyes. I took down every single picture we had. Put all his things in a box including everything he had ever given me. Even my wedding dress was the subject of many imaginary rages.
I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I tried drowning every emotion I had and suddenly I became numb to all emotions. I started to feel exactly how I wanted, Numb. I started feeling empty and broken. I started to feel, well, terrible. I hated feeling numb. I wasn't able to cry anymore, not like I needed to. One tear, and that was that. I started feeling unmotivated and angry. This was not at all how I wanted to feel. I've always been the happy, silly, bubbly, emotional, driven kind of person. Where was that girl? I finally sat down and reevaluated my entire life. What were my goals? Who was I surrounding myself with? What were the actions I was taking? What was I doing for myself? The girls? I looked around my house and all I saw was empty walls. Then it hit me. I was trying to suppress everything. All my sadness and anger and in turn, I started to suppress my happiness. I missed all those memories.

  I look back now and still understand what I started to do. I started putting pictures up (not of him and I, but of the girls and him or even some small family photos). I started listening to the music I loved before, even the ones between him and I. I started telling the girls stories from when they were both younger. These were all memories of the great times we had, great memories of when we were both happy, memories that made the whole relationship worth it. I realized that some of the best times were when we were together and even though we weren't married anymore, we could still remember all the happy times. I started feeling better again. I started laughing at the old times and looking at family pictures with the girls. I started to cry again and I felt so much better. I cried at the sad times but even the good times. I started letting go of some of the pain and anger and really started to heal.

   I truly believe crying and laughing help the soul. Crying lets go of the emotions that we have that words cannot explain. Sometimes the tears fall just as the rain does and the beautiful part is that there is a rainbow after both. I now have all these beautiful memories to hold on to and to share with the girls. Memories of love and happiness and no amount of pain should even erase that :)


I took this picture right outside my front door. Two beautiful rainbows on display for us to see. A reminder of God's promises and love.

Day Six:

 Scripture:
    She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future
                                                                                          ~ Proverbs 31

Quote:
         The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~E.E. Comings

Song:
        New Soul by Yael Naim       ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgEfYGzojcA )


Well, today is for sure a Monday for me! Enjoy this little journey of my morning!!!!

Laughter is my cure for everything. Whether I am sad, angry, frustrated, it doesn't matter. I can always enjoy a good laugh. I remember the times I was struggling the most and having my closest friends cheering me up. I watched so many comedies the past year. I have watched more Mitch Hedburg (I used to drugs, I mean, I still do but I used to too!) than most people combined. I've referenced almost every awesome line from "What's a Christmas gram? I want one!" to "You boys like Mexico?!" I'm sure I've drove every one of my friends crazy with my pinterest obsession as well. However, I still believe that laughing pulled me through the worst of times. I once had a professor tell me that if I wasn't laughing I wasn't living and boy did he know me too well.

  This morning has been one of those trial days. First of all, I woke up around 3 am... realizing I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation (haha). Next, Maddie ended up in my bed, feet on my face, in my ribs, on my back, and I was on the edge of the bed barely hanging on. My alarm clock went off 2 hours early (SUPER) so I reset it and OF COURSE it doesn't go off! Wake up 15 minutes AFTER Ally's bell rang. Today being the day of her field trip and the bus leaving at 8:30. A very loud and abrupt SH#T  flew out of my mouth and me out of bed!!!! The next 2 minutes were filled with scrambling around, throwing clothes on, packing a lunch, packing warm clothes for Ally's field trip. YES! We made it on time. One problem, baby isn't wearing pants! Coat, boots, hat, gloves, yup... no flippin pants. Off we go to get her some pants and get myself ready for the hectic day I have ahead of me. Breakfast, Check. Baby dressed, check. Now time for me to shower. Shampoo was a success and apparently so was the body wash for conditioner. Great, let's just rewash my hair cause I have so much extra time. UUUGGGGHHHH! Alright, shower out of the way. Let's just top it all off with a bad hair day. (At this point I'm thinking "What the hell, why not") I finally get Maddie dropped off (couple hours late) and head into town. Obviously needing coffee, I pull up to the coffee shop and throw my keys and phone in my bag, hit the lock button and walk around the car to get my bag. Another abrupt Sh#t flew out of my mouth. Why wouldn't I lock my bag (with my phone and keys) in the car. At this point I'm laughing so hard tears are running down my face. After walking to a local shop to use their phone and phone book, I have a tow truck guy using his jimmy to get in my car. (haha, that sounds kind of dirty, but anyways). This guy is laughing at me and my day as I'm trying to keep the tears from falling because I can't control anything today. Thank you Mr. Car unlocker Guy. You made my day.

  Today can go one of two ways. A. I can say "screw this" and go back to bed or I can own it and laugh about it. As you can see, I am going to own this and share this. What an incredible gift from God, the ability to laugh. I am so thankful all the different days I have, I learn to love life no matter what obstacles are thrown in my way. So I say to you, when you are having one of those days (like mine) sit down and laugh about it. Ya you may have had everything go wrong all at once, but maye that means you will soon have everything go right all at once! Here's to hoping all of you have a better Monday than me! Until tomorrow!!!

Day Five:

Scripture:
  A happy heart makes the face cheerful
       Proverbs 15:13

Quote:
   Time to do what makes your soul happy

Song:
   Happy by Fiona Lewis


  Yes! This one is about being happy! Who wouldn't be happy with everything I have? I looked back today and remembered reading this quote, "When God gives you a "no" give him a "thank you." He was protecting you from less than his best." What an incredible statement. I have been given so many things in my life and so many reason to be happy.
   First of all, my girls. Everyone knows how much my girls mean to me and how much joy they bring to my life. I have both of their laughs recorded on my phone for when I need to hear them, feel them, and be near to them while they are away. My biggest struggle was knowing I would be spending less time with Maddie. I had never had to share her so this was very hard on me (still is). I finally had to sit down and write down the pros and cons of her going back and forth. Obviously, this all started out very selfishly. "He left, not me, why do I have to share?" and "This isn't fair on ME!" You name it I was thinking it. I then started easing into the idea of her needing both mom and dad. This wasn't about ME, or HIM, it was about her. We both love her and we both want her to be Happy. Having her away from me will never be easy, however, I know she is in good hands.
  Second, I have an amazing family. I have three brothers who would walk through fire for me. My dad would move mountains for me if he had the ability. My cousins and aunts and uncles have called to check on us and have always been there for us. Having an incredible family is another reason for me to be happy.
  Third, (I truly have more to be happy for but these are the three toppers!) My friends. My friends have been my shoulder to cry on, my punching bag, the people bailing me out, my bodyguards, my comedians, my roommates (Micah) and my therapists. I truly believe friends and family are key to happiness and mine have helped me get here. They were the ones answering the phone at 4 am. Finding any and every contact possible to help the girls and I. They were the ones making me laugh so hard until I couldn't walk. My friends, I owe you one (or 17 million).
  Lastly, I am happy that I am me. I know the miles I've had to walk and the burdens I've had to carry. I could have become bitter from a lifetime of hardships, however, God has given me so many things to be gratetful, thankful, and happy for. I am thankful for every broken dream, promise, and road because I am exactly where I should be.

This video made my girls laugh so hard.