Day Nine:

Scripture: 
   Commit to the Lord whatever you do and he will establish your plans.
                     Proverbs 16:3

Quotes: 
    Lace up your shoes, it's going to be a journey, but the things you learn about yourself along the way are worth it.


Song: 
      Every Storm Runs Out of Rain by Gary Allan




Bare with me ..... My wrist is pretty inflamed right now thanks to extreme tendonitis! Hence the day off yesterday.

  Today has been a very long day. I could feel my patience warring thin all day. Everything seemed to irritate me. I hate days like these. I am usually a very balanced person, I can take on the unexpected, handle the stress, and cope with frustrating things. Today was more of a struggle.

   I found myself asking God for patience all day. I remember looking back on the past couple of years and this seems to be a reoccurring prayer. I believe I have been receiving the answers and solutions to my request all along. God doesn't give us the things we can't handle. I also don't believe He hands us things on a silver platter. When we ask God for something, he usually provides us with the solution by teaching us how to use the tools we are given. Everytime I ask God for patience, EVERYTHING seems to push me to the breaking point. This is where He is teaching me. I need to learn to be patient and possibly the reason for my impatience is me. Did I get enough sleep? Did I eat today? (Hangry feeling). Am I stressed about something else?

   The tools God provides me are the ability to talk myself through things and rely on His grace when things are too much. I believe in a God that allows me to fall apart in order to come back to His stable foundation. Furthermore, I believe God has given me the ability to take on many things all at once and perhaps my patience is tested when I push beyond what I am needing to focus on.

  I leave you with this thought. Remember that when we pray, it's ok to ask for things, it's ok to be confused and frustrated, and it's ok to angry at the days events. With all of our needs, we must not forget to be thankful for the tools God has given us already and the gifts he has blessed us with.

Day Eight:

Scripture:
  Be still and know that I am God
                          ~Psalm 46:10

Quote:
   Until we can manage our time, we can manage nothing else

Song:
    Hangin' Around :) Counting Crows



   Ah, man! Today was exhausting. Up very early, getting ready, bags packed, breakfast, girls ready, Ally here, Maddie there, and of course I'm late. First day of the last semester of classes for me and I've already done more work than most other students. I remember last year having the same hectic routine. Have to be here, have to be there, Ally needs this, school needs this, Maddie is sick...etc. I could barely get us out the door in one piece! Now we are functioning (most days) on a very productive level. I look back on some of the hardest times and I remember seeing myself stretched too thin. I have always been an on the go person and always had to have excitement. It wasn't until around August I started seeing that I was taking on too much. The girls were always fussy, tired, sassy, and sleeping terribly. I too was starting to become more vulnerable to bad moods and no sleep. The business was just too much.

  In the past year, I have really learned how to manage and balance my time. I still have days where I have too much going on but who doesn't? (Single mother of two, school, photography, work, family, bills....)
I started spending A LOT more time at home. I started making sure we ate dinner as family. Ally and I would both do homework once Maddie was settling down or playing on her own in the family room or kitchen. I started telling people no more often. This was a huge challenge for me! I was turning away clients because I just didn't have time to invest the work they deserved. I started telling friends "No thank you" when we would get invited to events. Although all of this was really rough in the beginning, I am so thankful I took this opportunity to tell me and the girls "Yes" and everyone else "No."

   I think everyone needs to take a look at their priorities and their time management. If you or your children are too exhausted by the end of the day, maybe it's time to start telling the people in your lives "No" as well. I can honestly say I have loved all the extra time I get with the girls and all the time at home I have had in the last year.

Day Seven:

Scripture:
Ezekiel 1:28
Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.

Quote:
Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms.


Song:
"Somewhere over the Rainbow"
     ~In Loving memory of Sweet Brooklyn Mumm as well~



    I used to wish and pray that I would be able to forget every memory of my marriage. I used to hate seeing pictures, hearing songs, and smelling certain scents (still do sometimes). The very smell of his cologne on any stranger would bring tears to my eyes. I took down every single picture we had. Put all his things in a box including everything he had ever given me. Even my wedding dress was the subject of many imaginary rages.
I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I tried drowning every emotion I had and suddenly I became numb to all emotions. I started to feel exactly how I wanted, Numb. I started feeling empty and broken. I started to feel, well, terrible. I hated feeling numb. I wasn't able to cry anymore, not like I needed to. One tear, and that was that. I started feeling unmotivated and angry. This was not at all how I wanted to feel. I've always been the happy, silly, bubbly, emotional, driven kind of person. Where was that girl? I finally sat down and reevaluated my entire life. What were my goals? Who was I surrounding myself with? What were the actions I was taking? What was I doing for myself? The girls? I looked around my house and all I saw was empty walls. Then it hit me. I was trying to suppress everything. All my sadness and anger and in turn, I started to suppress my happiness. I missed all those memories.

  I look back now and still understand what I started to do. I started putting pictures up (not of him and I, but of the girls and him or even some small family photos). I started listening to the music I loved before, even the ones between him and I. I started telling the girls stories from when they were both younger. These were all memories of the great times we had, great memories of when we were both happy, memories that made the whole relationship worth it. I realized that some of the best times were when we were together and even though we weren't married anymore, we could still remember all the happy times. I started feeling better again. I started laughing at the old times and looking at family pictures with the girls. I started to cry again and I felt so much better. I cried at the sad times but even the good times. I started letting go of some of the pain and anger and really started to heal.

   I truly believe crying and laughing help the soul. Crying lets go of the emotions that we have that words cannot explain. Sometimes the tears fall just as the rain does and the beautiful part is that there is a rainbow after both. I now have all these beautiful memories to hold on to and to share with the girls. Memories of love and happiness and no amount of pain should even erase that :)


I took this picture right outside my front door. Two beautiful rainbows on display for us to see. A reminder of God's promises and love.

Day Six:

 Scripture:
    She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future
                                                                                          ~ Proverbs 31

Quote:
         The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~E.E. Comings

Song:
        New Soul by Yael Naim       ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgEfYGzojcA )


Well, today is for sure a Monday for me! Enjoy this little journey of my morning!!!!

Laughter is my cure for everything. Whether I am sad, angry, frustrated, it doesn't matter. I can always enjoy a good laugh. I remember the times I was struggling the most and having my closest friends cheering me up. I watched so many comedies the past year. I have watched more Mitch Hedburg (I used to drugs, I mean, I still do but I used to too!) than most people combined. I've referenced almost every awesome line from "What's a Christmas gram? I want one!" to "You boys like Mexico?!" I'm sure I've drove every one of my friends crazy with my pinterest obsession as well. However, I still believe that laughing pulled me through the worst of times. I once had a professor tell me that if I wasn't laughing I wasn't living and boy did he know me too well.

  This morning has been one of those trial days. First of all, I woke up around 3 am... realizing I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation (haha). Next, Maddie ended up in my bed, feet on my face, in my ribs, on my back, and I was on the edge of the bed barely hanging on. My alarm clock went off 2 hours early (SUPER) so I reset it and OF COURSE it doesn't go off! Wake up 15 minutes AFTER Ally's bell rang. Today being the day of her field trip and the bus leaving at 8:30. A very loud and abrupt SH#T  flew out of my mouth and me out of bed!!!! The next 2 minutes were filled with scrambling around, throwing clothes on, packing a lunch, packing warm clothes for Ally's field trip. YES! We made it on time. One problem, baby isn't wearing pants! Coat, boots, hat, gloves, yup... no flippin pants. Off we go to get her some pants and get myself ready for the hectic day I have ahead of me. Breakfast, Check. Baby dressed, check. Now time for me to shower. Shampoo was a success and apparently so was the body wash for conditioner. Great, let's just rewash my hair cause I have so much extra time. UUUGGGGHHHH! Alright, shower out of the way. Let's just top it all off with a bad hair day. (At this point I'm thinking "What the hell, why not") I finally get Maddie dropped off (couple hours late) and head into town. Obviously needing coffee, I pull up to the coffee shop and throw my keys and phone in my bag, hit the lock button and walk around the car to get my bag. Another abrupt Sh#t flew out of my mouth. Why wouldn't I lock my bag (with my phone and keys) in the car. At this point I'm laughing so hard tears are running down my face. After walking to a local shop to use their phone and phone book, I have a tow truck guy using his jimmy to get in my car. (haha, that sounds kind of dirty, but anyways). This guy is laughing at me and my day as I'm trying to keep the tears from falling because I can't control anything today. Thank you Mr. Car unlocker Guy. You made my day.

  Today can go one of two ways. A. I can say "screw this" and go back to bed or I can own it and laugh about it. As you can see, I am going to own this and share this. What an incredible gift from God, the ability to laugh. I am so thankful all the different days I have, I learn to love life no matter what obstacles are thrown in my way. So I say to you, when you are having one of those days (like mine) sit down and laugh about it. Ya you may have had everything go wrong all at once, but maye that means you will soon have everything go right all at once! Here's to hoping all of you have a better Monday than me! Until tomorrow!!!

Day Five:

Scripture:
  A happy heart makes the face cheerful
       Proverbs 15:13

Quote:
   Time to do what makes your soul happy

Song:
   Happy by Fiona Lewis


  Yes! This one is about being happy! Who wouldn't be happy with everything I have? I looked back today and remembered reading this quote, "When God gives you a "no" give him a "thank you." He was protecting you from less than his best." What an incredible statement. I have been given so many things in my life and so many reason to be happy.
   First of all, my girls. Everyone knows how much my girls mean to me and how much joy they bring to my life. I have both of their laughs recorded on my phone for when I need to hear them, feel them, and be near to them while they are away. My biggest struggle was knowing I would be spending less time with Maddie. I had never had to share her so this was very hard on me (still is). I finally had to sit down and write down the pros and cons of her going back and forth. Obviously, this all started out very selfishly. "He left, not me, why do I have to share?" and "This isn't fair on ME!" You name it I was thinking it. I then started easing into the idea of her needing both mom and dad. This wasn't about ME, or HIM, it was about her. We both love her and we both want her to be Happy. Having her away from me will never be easy, however, I know she is in good hands.
  Second, I have an amazing family. I have three brothers who would walk through fire for me. My dad would move mountains for me if he had the ability. My cousins and aunts and uncles have called to check on us and have always been there for us. Having an incredible family is another reason for me to be happy.
  Third, (I truly have more to be happy for but these are the three toppers!) My friends. My friends have been my shoulder to cry on, my punching bag, the people bailing me out, my bodyguards, my comedians, my roommates (Micah) and my therapists. I truly believe friends and family are key to happiness and mine have helped me get here. They were the ones answering the phone at 4 am. Finding any and every contact possible to help the girls and I. They were the ones making me laugh so hard until I couldn't walk. My friends, I owe you one (or 17 million).
  Lastly, I am happy that I am me. I know the miles I've had to walk and the burdens I've had to carry. I could have become bitter from a lifetime of hardships, however, God has given me so many things to be gratetful, thankful, and happy for. I am thankful for every broken dream, promise, and road because I am exactly where I should be.

This video made my girls laugh so hard.

Day 4: Throwing in the white flag.

Scripture:
   “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Quote:
    Life has many ways of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or having everything happen all at once.

Song:
    "Let It Be" written by Paul McCartney


   I remember having those days full of frustration and thinking "Really? This too?" When you talk to people about having a run of bad luck many of them would say "When it rains, it pours." (Ain't that the truth). The year 2013 was an unending rain storm. Started off alright, but once the rain started, things started to flood. I used to tell people I was living in the Tsunami of storms. Starting off with the leaving, then my parents divorce, then my mom moving to Texas, having to put our family dog down, dad having a heart attack, financially being buried, giving my marriage another shot only to have it blow up in my face, and the dreaded legal battle. Having all of this going on while taking care of all our bills, the house, having school, starting a new job, building a business, and taking care of two precious little girls. Not to mention, everything else, coaching t ball, photography, being there for my family who were also struggling, trying to stay in shape, and trying to hide everything I was feeling. I was drowning. I was so frustrated. I wanted to quit school. Wanted to run and hide. Wanted to lay in bed and hide under the covers. This was too much and I just couldn't do it anymore. I started to feel numb. I couldn't cry anymore. I was barely eating and weighing in at 108 pounds. People used to ask me things like "Wow, are you ok? You are so thin" and "This must really be weighing you down. You don't look very good." Have you ever wanted to look at someone and just unleash everything you were thinking and feeling? Well at this point I did. I finally broke down and let it all out. Thank God this was to my best friend. He understood, he saw how hard I was struggling, he saw the worst of me and the best of me, and once I finally let it all out.... I started finding peace. 

   I had been holding on to SO much anger and pain and I hadn't dealt with any of the real pain. I finally, FINALLY gave it up all. Gave it all to God. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't carry the burdens anymore. I couldn't forgive him. I couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't let go of all the things people had said, what people were thinking, and the judging from others. 
   My prayer was somewhere along these lines. (Lying on a bathroom floor, stripped down to my insecurities, broken, and losing a battle)
  God, where are you? I need you. I can't do this anymore. I hurt, I hurt everywhere. I don't want to keep fighting. What should I do? Where can I hide? I laid on that floor for hours... I don't remember everything about that night, but I do remember feeling vulnerable. Then, in the midst of the crying and sobbing (the ugly crying)... I felt.... better. I felt relieved. What was happening? And then... I heard it. 

"My child, I am here, and I have been here. I know your pain and I see your weaknesses. Cast your cares away ... I will carry you now." 
       
 We all have the moments of weaknesses. Moments of pain, sorrow, grieving, and guilt. I had carried all my fears and burdens for so long, not wanting to give them up to God and truly believe he would get me through. That night on the bathroom floor was the very first night of my healing. I knew I was no longer alone and that I was still loved. He had been there the whole time, He was just waiting for me to trust in Him. 

I want to end on this note today. I needed to break, I needed to fall apart, and I needed to feel empty. It is when we decide to have Faith and trust in the Lord to hold true to his promises that we truly feel fulfilled again and the healing begins to start. 

  "He drew me up from the pit of my destruction, out of the miry bog and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. "


(I took these pictures of myself when I was at rock bottom. My mentor told me to "Shoot" my way through this and in the end I would see how far I had come. I am so thankful I did.)

   
    

Day three:

Scripture:
    You made me so happy, God I saw your work and I shouted for Joy.
                                                Psalm 92:4

Quote: If I can choose, I choose to believe and I choose to be happy. Every step taken is a step in the right direction if we so choose.


Song:
    "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift and "Compass" by Lady Antebellum

   
   Today is all about being happy for yourself and all about being happy for your children (obviously right?!). Audrey Hepburn is one of the most iconic female figures of all time. She is famous for many quotes on being happy.A few of my favorites are " Happy girls are the prettiest girls," "I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person," and "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I'm Possible."  We have a loving, all knowing, FORGIVING God that provides each of us the tools to be happy.  For many, many months I felt as if I were "too broken" to be happy. I felt as though I didn't deserve to be happy, my marriage was over and I was. I believe it was when Ally started noticing I wasn't (to her) myself. She finally came to me one day and said "Mom, remember you used to dance with us in the kitchen and read to us in silly voices? I miss that, you were happy." I remember having lunch at my daughter's school and seeing how sad she really was. Then, on Easter, I remember my beautiful, happy, outgoing, "sunshining" baby girl started crying and said she was tired of people leaving her. My then six year old opened my eyes.

  What was I doing? Where had I gone? I was given the greatest gift of all, children, and I was so wrapped up in being unhappy I was missing out on them growing. I started spending more time with the girls, we went on our runs at night with Lucy, went to the park more, watched movies, had girls night, and danced in the kitchen again. All of a sudden, the light in the eyes of my girls started to sparkle again. We laughed more, we smiled more, and we started healing together as a family. Ally started laughing again, laughing from her belly and she started to shine. I started to only show my happiness to the girls (even when I was sad, I would tell them that sometimes happy people feel sad and that's ok).

  As mothers, we are given the opportunity to love another person more than words could ever express. We are able to love our children as God loves us. I truly believe our children become what we teach them and I have made the vow to my girls that I will teach them true love, happiness, and to never let their Sparkle dull.

 From a mother who hasn't always been perfect, I dare you too spend more time with your children; read one more book, one more minute on the swing, let them dance on your feet. Let them see you happy :) I promise, promise, promise that you will see more happiness in your children than you could imagine. Hold on to it, that's a gift from God.

Until tomorrow :) ~Go on, Be Happy~

Day Two:

Scripture:
  The Lord is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my God, my stronghold in whom I take refuge, my shield, the glory of my salvation, and my high tower.
                                   ~Psalm 18:2

Quote:
  Sometimes the best thing that you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.


Song:
 Bruises by Train


  This time one year ago, I spent most of my time studying, planning, nursing, and simply staying busy. Looking back now, I still wouldn't say I saw the leaving coming. Whether that was because I was too busy, he was on the rigs, the lack of sleep from having a new baby who NEVER slept, or just not being aware of what was expected for both of us, I did't see it coming. I think back to all the time we were together and how many worlds apart we must have been. We were different, we had different opinions, styles, beliefs, habits, and everything else. I had convinced myself that opposites attract. Right?! Well, sometimes they do and I truly see now that loving someone includes loving and respecting the differences you have between one another. This being said, having too many differences could be harmful on a relationship. I love to write and read, sing and dance, go out and be social, spend time together. He was different (not in a bad way, but just different from me). He liked being home on his weeks off. He liked spending a lot of time with his family (I do too, however, my family wasn't the picture perfect functional family... we put the fun in disfunctional), he liked having quiet moments alone, and we stopped going to bed together. We simply just enjoyed different things. We started to drift apart and I started to feel unwanted, unneeded, and unnoticed.

   Over the past year, I learned that it's ok to like different things. It's ok to have my own opinion. It's ok to be ..... picky....  Like I said yesterday, I learned to laugh. WOW, what an amazing feeling. To laugh, like me, loud, uncontrolled! I learned how to indulge in too many sappy movies, love quotes, and songs. I "Shot" my way through this Horrible Tragedy. I see now, I love being me. He needed to love him and love what he was doing, as did I. We both deserved to be happy. We both needed to enjoy the things we love. We both deserved the opportunity to move on and find someone who was "Less different."

  If I could offer a little advice, I would say this:
1. Make sure you laugh. Laugh alone, laugh together, laugh hard and really feel it.
2. Smile when you notice someone is different. Enjoy their differences, respect their differences, and maybe even try something different yourself.
3. Find more time for yourself in your relationships. Loving yourself can really improve the love relationship you have towards someone else.

 From my thoughts to yours, enjoy the little things.... Until tomorrow. Ciao :)

~One Day At A Time~

Day One:

     Today mark the first day of the new year. A new year brings new joys, new hardships, new beginnings, and lessons to learn. My goal is to blog each day and create a memoir of my healing, growing, and journey. I will start by posting scripture for the day, a quote for the day, and my thoughts, progresses, feelings, experiences, and everything else I encounter that details my journey.... 

Scripture:

Be Kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

                                                                                 ~Ephesians 4:32

Quote:

 ~You can't change it, but you will have to forgive yourself eventually~

   I have come to the conclusion that resolutions are not my cup of tea. I make them then break them, then I feel disappointed in myself. Today was a self reflection of what my expectations of myself are for this new year. Nothing new, nothing unattainable. 

    My Goals: Finish school (one semester before I student teach), finish decorating our home, build my business, start saving more, pay off excess debt.. etc...

  Like I said, nothing unattainable. That is, for my physical being. For my spiritual being my goals vary. However, my main spiritual goal is to spend more time with the Lord. Daily devotionals, praying, speaking the Lord's words. 

This year is about healing. Healing from an unwanted divorce. A marriage I fought for, a divorce I tried to avoid, pain I could never imagine. Watching my girls suffer, looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself, losing 23 pounds in 5 weeks, having no recollection of the months right after the leaving. Feeling a pain so deep in my soul that I physically felt weakened and sick. I made mistakes. I filled a void with alcohol when my girls weren't home. I don't remember sleeping much. I do however, remember spending more time with my girls in order to fill the empty parts of my bruised, battered, and broken heart. I learned to cook (better), stayed active in Ally's school and sports, made it through the semester, found a great job, and so on. I learned how to laugh again (this was my biggest accomplishment). I found the person I thought I had lost, the person I though had given up on me. I accepted the fact that no matter what I did, said, or tried, things would be changing for good. A realization I needed to come to. This being said, this divorce was a defining point in my life. It took months for me to accept the fact that I wasn't entirely to blame. It took many sleepless nights to see the light through all the darkness. I found out how much I was truly loved by both my girls and family/friends. Although this divorce was never something I would have ever imagined, I truly believe it was something God used to bring me closer to him.

   I found the path I was meant to be on. I found the meaning behind my life and presence. I asked God for guidance and he showed me the way. I asked God for patience and he presented me with trying times that would push me to the breaking point but never too far. I asked God to help me get through this, and here I am; still standing and stronger than ever. I have chosen to believe that God has paved my path already and as I wander he always holds me near. This year will be about staying on His path. 

Day one, cheers to the new year, cheers to the new beginnings, and cheers to love, laughter, and fulfillment.