Day 4: Throwing in the white flag.

Scripture:
   “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Quote:
    Life has many ways of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or having everything happen all at once.

Song:
    "Let It Be" written by Paul McCartney


   I remember having those days full of frustration and thinking "Really? This too?" When you talk to people about having a run of bad luck many of them would say "When it rains, it pours." (Ain't that the truth). The year 2013 was an unending rain storm. Started off alright, but once the rain started, things started to flood. I used to tell people I was living in the Tsunami of storms. Starting off with the leaving, then my parents divorce, then my mom moving to Texas, having to put our family dog down, dad having a heart attack, financially being buried, giving my marriage another shot only to have it blow up in my face, and the dreaded legal battle. Having all of this going on while taking care of all our bills, the house, having school, starting a new job, building a business, and taking care of two precious little girls. Not to mention, everything else, coaching t ball, photography, being there for my family who were also struggling, trying to stay in shape, and trying to hide everything I was feeling. I was drowning. I was so frustrated. I wanted to quit school. Wanted to run and hide. Wanted to lay in bed and hide under the covers. This was too much and I just couldn't do it anymore. I started to feel numb. I couldn't cry anymore. I was barely eating and weighing in at 108 pounds. People used to ask me things like "Wow, are you ok? You are so thin" and "This must really be weighing you down. You don't look very good." Have you ever wanted to look at someone and just unleash everything you were thinking and feeling? Well at this point I did. I finally broke down and let it all out. Thank God this was to my best friend. He understood, he saw how hard I was struggling, he saw the worst of me and the best of me, and once I finally let it all out.... I started finding peace. 

   I had been holding on to SO much anger and pain and I hadn't dealt with any of the real pain. I finally, FINALLY gave it up all. Gave it all to God. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't carry the burdens anymore. I couldn't forgive him. I couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't let go of all the things people had said, what people were thinking, and the judging from others. 
   My prayer was somewhere along these lines. (Lying on a bathroom floor, stripped down to my insecurities, broken, and losing a battle)
  God, where are you? I need you. I can't do this anymore. I hurt, I hurt everywhere. I don't want to keep fighting. What should I do? Where can I hide? I laid on that floor for hours... I don't remember everything about that night, but I do remember feeling vulnerable. Then, in the midst of the crying and sobbing (the ugly crying)... I felt.... better. I felt relieved. What was happening? And then... I heard it. 

"My child, I am here, and I have been here. I know your pain and I see your weaknesses. Cast your cares away ... I will carry you now." 
       
 We all have the moments of weaknesses. Moments of pain, sorrow, grieving, and guilt. I had carried all my fears and burdens for so long, not wanting to give them up to God and truly believe he would get me through. That night on the bathroom floor was the very first night of my healing. I knew I was no longer alone and that I was still loved. He had been there the whole time, He was just waiting for me to trust in Him. 

I want to end on this note today. I needed to break, I needed to fall apart, and I needed to feel empty. It is when we decide to have Faith and trust in the Lord to hold true to his promises that we truly feel fulfilled again and the healing begins to start. 

  "He drew me up from the pit of my destruction, out of the miry bog and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. "


(I took these pictures of myself when I was at rock bottom. My mentor told me to "Shoot" my way through this and in the end I would see how far I had come. I am so thankful I did.)